Will I ever be Number One to Someone?

All anybody wants in this world is to be number one to someone. That's all I want to.

I am the child in between. I have an older brother and a younger sister. My brother and I were raised by my grandparents until we were 4 and 5 years old. My parents didn't understand how to used birth control. They had to work because they needed the money to raise their children but they shipped their children off to the grandparents. And continued to have unprotected sex. My parents didn't know how to love us. When I was 4 years old my younger sister was born. My grandmother told my mother she would not keep the new baby, that my mother would have to take care of her own children. I was not number with my grandparents because of course they had their own children. My youngest aunt is only 9 years older than me. My grandmother had to put her children before me, that was only right. So I was not number one with her.

We went to live with my parents but I was not number one there either. They had a new baby who was just so precious. One that they got to experience because the new baby lived with them from the beginning. She wasn't shippped off to grandma's house. I grew up knowing that I wasn't number one or even number two. One time I remember I had tried to kiss my parents good night and my mother just pushed me away. I am in my 5th decade of life and I still remember that moment as if it were yesterday. Some of life's experiences leave an everlasting impression.

I searched and searched for love growing up and never found what I had been looking for. Oh I found lust and sex but never love. I loved a man who got me pregnant and then left me to take care of everything myself. So now I am going to have a baby. Finally I will be first in someone's life, no wrong again. I was first for a while then she too found someone to love and she forgot about her mother, me, I was no longer in the picture because the new husband didn't know how or want to share. I was pushed out.

When my baby was 7 years old, I married a man whom I thought would put me first. He fooled me, for several years I thought I was at least close to being the most important person in his life. I knew his parents were important to him but I thought I would rank up there with them. Again I was wrong. I wasn't his blood so I didn't count. My opinion was outranked everytime by his brothers and sister. They all came before me.

Both of my grandparents are gone, my mother is gone also. My daughter is married and has her own family. My husband is more selfish than ever becase he has a new love. Alcohol. All I ever wanted was to be first in someone's life. To be put in front of everyone and everthing.

I know, I don't have much life left,I have probably twenty thirty more years of life but I am tired and sad. I just want to know in the years that I have left will I ever be number one to someone?

God are you there?

My faith in God is becoming harder and harder to maintain. He has let me down time and time again. Eventually when you have been hurt enough you let go. And I think this is what I need to do. God is not there for me.

A position had opened up in the company I work for and it would have been perfect for me. I had the experience for this job and the money would have been a tremendous help to me financially. I prayed and prayed that I would get an interview for this job. I knew once I got the interview I could sell myself.

But God did not answer my prayers. God has not answered any of my prayers for over 5 years now. It's like he has forgotten all about me. I have had many hard times that I needed his help and he has let me down. Don't get me wrong I don't just pray for things for myself I also pray for other people, and still I get nothing from him.

My relationship with God is like a relationship with another person. You love this other person and ask for their advice and when you get nothing time and time again, you finally just have to let go because you see this other person wants nothing to do with you.

I have been moved to a new office in my company and I will be working for people I do not really care for. They are uppity, snobby, self centered. I don't want to be there in that group of people but did God stop that from happening? A big NO on that one. So now I get to be miserable in this new office. Thanks God for nothing!

I will have to look at this relationship, it may be time to cut ties with God. Although he probably wouldn't even notice I was gone.

Dear God

Dear God

I have to ask you a very serious question. Why am I here? No, not "Why am I on earth" but why did you put me with this particular man. Why am I his wife? You know what kind of person I am. A loving, very affectionate person. Very sentimental. You have put me with a man who is none of those things. A person who only cares about himself. Why have you done this to me. Haven't I lived a hard enough life. You gave me parents who didn't love me, you allowed me to be molested by my father's friend. All I wanted is to be loved and you took that away from me also. What have I done that is so bad that you would give me a husband who only cares about himself or his blood family? Who is selfish, verbally abusive, emotionally abusive and to top it off an alcoholic.

Why am I being punished? What have I done that I must be punished in this way? Why don't you tell me. Please answer me I need to know.

Sincerely
Meme

Four Words You Don't Want To Say

My Mom has CANCER.

The four words you don't ever want to say. It is so hard for me to hear let alone say. How do you deal with it?

I am still alone

My mother is dying and I am having a very difficult time with this. I need to be able to talk about this and let my feelings out but my husband just doesn't understand this. He tells me I need to be strong. That I need to be positive. He doesn't understand how hard that is. Sometimes I just need to let go and let all my feelings escape me before they eat me from the inside out.

I stopped to pay a bill yesterday and a friend of mine works at this place. Her sister had cancer, not the same as my mom but she understands how I am feeling since she felt the same way about her sister. I stayed and talked with her for an hour. When I get back to my vehicle I see my husband has called several times so I call him back. I tell him I am sorry and he says sorry doesn't cut it. Doesn't let me explain.

When I get home he is out in his garage, where he usually spends 90% of his time. I confront him, about being angry. He is the one who gets drunk night after night, he is the one who is not there for me to let my feelings out to. So when I stop and am able to feel better by talking to someone why should he be the angry one. Yes I should have let him know where I was, I was just going in my pay my bill, but that was not my worry at that time. My thoughts were on releasing all this emotion stuck inside of me.

I tell him how much I have needed someone, and at this time anyone, to put their arms around me, hold me tight and let me know that I am not alone. That there is a shoulder to cry on if I need one. Someone to give me encouragement. I thought all this sunk into him. Obviously I was wrong. Look here today, I am alone again.

Alone to sit and ponder on my thoughts. Alone to worry about something I cannot change. Alone. I guess I will always be alone, I should just get used to it.

Sometimes God gives us to much

This past week I received devistating news about my mother. She has ovarian cancer. I am so heartbroken. Why is God doing this. He took my Grandfather 2 years ago, he took my daughters unborn baby last winter and now he wants my mother. Doesn't God realize that I am not as strong as he thinks I am. I want to break, I want to just go to my bed pull up the covers over my head and just stay there. I love my mother, I don't, I can't lose her. She is my rock, what do I do when she is gone. I've tried talking to God but I don't think he is listening to me. People say that God has spoken to them, that in their time of need and dispair God has spoken to them. I keep asking him to speak to me. I want him to know that I can't take anymore. I feel he is punishing me. What have I done to deserve all this heartache. God if you can hear me now please don't take my mom, I need her to help me get through everything else you keep throwing at me.