I am still alone

My mother is dying and I am having a very difficult time with this. I need to be able to talk about this and let my feelings out but my husband just doesn't understand this. He tells me I need to be strong. That I need to be positive. He doesn't understand how hard that is. Sometimes I just need to let go and let all my feelings escape me before they eat me from the inside out.

I stopped to pay a bill yesterday and a friend of mine works at this place. Her sister had cancer, not the same as my mom but she understands how I am feeling since she felt the same way about her sister. I stayed and talked with her for an hour. When I get back to my vehicle I see my husband has called several times so I call him back. I tell him I am sorry and he says sorry doesn't cut it. Doesn't let me explain.

When I get home he is out in his garage, where he usually spends 90% of his time. I confront him, about being angry. He is the one who gets drunk night after night, he is the one who is not there for me to let my feelings out to. So when I stop and am able to feel better by talking to someone why should he be the angry one. Yes I should have let him know where I was, I was just going in my pay my bill, but that was not my worry at that time. My thoughts were on releasing all this emotion stuck inside of me.

I tell him how much I have needed someone, and at this time anyone, to put their arms around me, hold me tight and let me know that I am not alone. That there is a shoulder to cry on if I need one. Someone to give me encouragement. I thought all this sunk into him. Obviously I was wrong. Look here today, I am alone again.

Alone to sit and ponder on my thoughts. Alone to worry about something I cannot change. Alone. I guess I will always be alone, I should just get used to it.

Sometimes God gives us to much

This past week I received devistating news about my mother. She has ovarian cancer. I am so heartbroken. Why is God doing this. He took my Grandfather 2 years ago, he took my daughters unborn baby last winter and now he wants my mother. Doesn't God realize that I am not as strong as he thinks I am. I want to break, I want to just go to my bed pull up the covers over my head and just stay there. I love my mother, I don't, I can't lose her. She is my rock, what do I do when she is gone. I've tried talking to God but I don't think he is listening to me. People say that God has spoken to them, that in their time of need and dispair God has spoken to them. I keep asking him to speak to me. I want him to know that I can't take anymore. I feel he is punishing me. What have I done to deserve all this heartache. God if you can hear me now please don't take my mom, I need her to help me get through everything else you keep throwing at me.