I am still alone

My mother is dying and I am having a very difficult time with this. I need to be able to talk about this and let my feelings out but my husband just doesn't understand this. He tells me I need to be strong. That I need to be positive. He doesn't understand how hard that is. Sometimes I just need to let go and let all my feelings escape me before they eat me from the inside out.

I stopped to pay a bill yesterday and a friend of mine works at this place. Her sister had cancer, not the same as my mom but she understands how I am feeling since she felt the same way about her sister. I stayed and talked with her for an hour. When I get back to my vehicle I see my husband has called several times so I call him back. I tell him I am sorry and he says sorry doesn't cut it. Doesn't let me explain.

When I get home he is out in his garage, where he usually spends 90% of his time. I confront him, about being angry. He is the one who gets drunk night after night, he is the one who is not there for me to let my feelings out to. So when I stop and am able to feel better by talking to someone why should he be the angry one. Yes I should have let him know where I was, I was just going in my pay my bill, but that was not my worry at that time. My thoughts were on releasing all this emotion stuck inside of me.

I tell him how much I have needed someone, and at this time anyone, to put their arms around me, hold me tight and let me know that I am not alone. That there is a shoulder to cry on if I need one. Someone to give me encouragement. I thought all this sunk into him. Obviously I was wrong. Look here today, I am alone again.

Alone to sit and ponder on my thoughts. Alone to worry about something I cannot change. Alone. I guess I will always be alone, I should just get used to it.