Will I ever be Number One to Someone?

All anybody wants in this world is to be number one to someone. That's all I want to.

I am the child in between. I have an older brother and a younger sister. My brother and I were raised by my grandparents until we were 4 and 5 years old. My parents didn't understand how to used birth control. They had to work because they needed the money to raise their children but they shipped their children off to the grandparents. And continued to have unprotected sex. My parents didn't know how to love us. When I was 4 years old my younger sister was born. My grandmother told my mother she would not keep the new baby, that my mother would have to take care of her own children. I was not number with my grandparents because of course they had their own children. My youngest aunt is only 9 years older than me. My grandmother had to put her children before me, that was only right. So I was not number one with her.

We went to live with my parents but I was not number one there either. They had a new baby who was just so precious. One that they got to experience because the new baby lived with them from the beginning. She wasn't shippped off to grandma's house. I grew up knowing that I wasn't number one or even number two. One time I remember I had tried to kiss my parents good night and my mother just pushed me away. I am in my 5th decade of life and I still remember that moment as if it were yesterday. Some of life's experiences leave an everlasting impression.

I searched and searched for love growing up and never found what I had been looking for. Oh I found lust and sex but never love. I loved a man who got me pregnant and then left me to take care of everything myself. So now I am going to have a baby. Finally I will be first in someone's life, no wrong again. I was first for a while then she too found someone to love and she forgot about her mother, me, I was no longer in the picture because the new husband didn't know how or want to share. I was pushed out.

When my baby was 7 years old, I married a man whom I thought would put me first. He fooled me, for several years I thought I was at least close to being the most important person in his life. I knew his parents were important to him but I thought I would rank up there with them. Again I was wrong. I wasn't his blood so I didn't count. My opinion was outranked everytime by his brothers and sister. They all came before me.

Both of my grandparents are gone, my mother is gone also. My daughter is married and has her own family. My husband is more selfish than ever becase he has a new love. Alcohol. All I ever wanted was to be first in someone's life. To be put in front of everyone and everthing.

I know, I don't have much life left,I have probably twenty thirty more years of life but I am tired and sad. I just want to know in the years that I have left will I ever be number one to someone?

God are you there?

My faith in God is becoming harder and harder to maintain. He has let me down time and time again. Eventually when you have been hurt enough you let go. And I think this is what I need to do. God is not there for me.

A position had opened up in the company I work for and it would have been perfect for me. I had the experience for this job and the money would have been a tremendous help to me financially. I prayed and prayed that I would get an interview for this job. I knew once I got the interview I could sell myself.

But God did not answer my prayers. God has not answered any of my prayers for over 5 years now. It's like he has forgotten all about me. I have had many hard times that I needed his help and he has let me down. Don't get me wrong I don't just pray for things for myself I also pray for other people, and still I get nothing from him.

My relationship with God is like a relationship with another person. You love this other person and ask for their advice and when you get nothing time and time again, you finally just have to let go because you see this other person wants nothing to do with you.

I have been moved to a new office in my company and I will be working for people I do not really care for. They are uppity, snobby, self centered. I don't want to be there in that group of people but did God stop that from happening? A big NO on that one. So now I get to be miserable in this new office. Thanks God for nothing!

I will have to look at this relationship, it may be time to cut ties with God. Although he probably wouldn't even notice I was gone.